An Open Letter from John Cleese
by Chalan Moon
I received this as an email and laughed alone. Even in comedy, it is real’-ised’ our presidential election is of global importance.
Enjoy!
To the Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of the strong possibility you are about to elect an
elderly gentleman with a bad temper and a lady who thinks she can run
foreign policy because she can see Russia from her house, as President
and President-In-Waiting of the USA and thus to risk Life As We Know It
for everyone else on the Planet, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy). She won’t actually be in charge, but she’ll
greet foreign leaders as necessary and not put her foot in it or vomit
on anyone at dinner.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. He will choose someone
who does not have his or her hand in the till and has significant
experience in running Big Things. You have not had one of them for
almost a decade and trust me, it is a big plus.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. They have given away too
much of your money already to rescue incompetent business executives
and soon your American Dollars will resemble Zimbabwean Dollars in
total worthlessness. There is no free lunch you know. Although we
originally let you get away with secession because King George was
robbing you blind, recent events demonstrate that your present leaders
are doing much worse things and unfortunately you have not noticed.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
more than half of you still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9-11.
Information to the contrary will again be provided by the rest of the
world and we request you read it this time and refrain from invading
the wrong country ever again if you possibly can.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and
‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
3.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. But we have a lot of Bank Holidays you will enjoy instead.
5.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore,
you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and
without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline)-roughly $9/US gallon. Get used to it. Your
driving armoured cars to buy groceries is unnecessary, boorish and
killing the planet.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. We will require that people running things, like your government,
are at least moderately competent and not related by blood or bribes to
those who benefit from their decisions. We know it makes you more cozy
when your leaders know as little as you do, but, honestly, it is short
sighted: you need doctors who know more about medicine, pilots who
know more about flying and leaders who know more about leading.
12. We respectfully request you give up this notion that Politics is
Entertainment, and that very complicated things can only be explained
to you in less than fifteen seconds. If you wanted to have a
democracy, honestly, you’d really need to have taken the time to
understand things a bit more before you voted. And may I suggest the
startling notion that politicians don’t need to look good to do a good
job? And it really is acceptable if they are a bit boring, so long as
they do their homework. It’s especially important if evidently you
have not done yours. Poor old Al Gore. Poor old John Kerry. And by the
way, are you happy now you chose a Governor for California based on his
teeth?
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the
British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first in their
country. The six out of ten of you who don’t own a passport will need
to get one first.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
16.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776). Although this will raise your taxes,
remember that the Neoconservatives will no longer be robbing you blind
and so your Dollars will stop shrinking. Didn’t you know that
inflation and government bailouts of huge companies were really paid
for by you? We must do something about your educational system. What
on earth is going on over there? Are you oblivious to the crushing
debt you are leaving your children? You might as well throttle them
now.
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
season.
God Save the Queen. But at least God won’t instruct your President to invade any more wrong countries.
~ John Cleese
by Chalan Moon
I received this as an email and laughed alone. Even in comedy, it is real’-ised’ our presidential election is of global importance.
Enjoy!
To the Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of the strong possibility you are about to elect an
elderly gentleman with a bad temper and a lady who thinks she can run
foreign policy because she can see Russia from her house, as President
and President-In-Waiting of the USA and thus to risk Life As We Know It
for everyone else on the Planet, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy). She won’t actually be in charge, but she’ll
greet foreign leaders as necessary and not put her foot in it or vomit
on anyone at dinner.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. He will choose someone
who does not have his or her hand in the till and has significant
experience in running Big Things. You have not had one of them for
almost a decade and trust me, it is a big plus.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. They have given away too
much of your money already to rescue incompetent business executives
and soon your American Dollars will resemble Zimbabwean Dollars in
total worthlessness. There is no free lunch you know. Although we
originally let you get away with secession because King George was
robbing you blind, recent events demonstrate that your present leaders
are doing much worse things and unfortunately you have not noticed.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
more than half of you still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9-11.
Information to the contrary will again be provided by the rest of the
world and we request you read it this time and refrain from invading
the wrong country ever again if you possibly can.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and
‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
3.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. But we have a lot of Bank Holidays you will enjoy instead.
5.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore,
you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and
without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline)-roughly $9/US gallon. Get used to it. Your
driving armoured cars to buy groceries is unnecessary, boorish and
killing the planet.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. We will require that people running things, like your government,
are at least moderately competent and not related by blood or bribes to
those who benefit from their decisions. We know it makes you more cozy
when your leaders know as little as you do, but, honestly, it is short
sighted: you need doctors who know more about medicine, pilots who
know more about flying and leaders who know more about leading.
12. We respectfully request you give up this notion that Politics is
Entertainment, and that very complicated things can only be explained
to you in less than fifteen seconds. If you wanted to have a
democracy, honestly, you’d really need to have taken the time to
understand things a bit more before you voted. And may I suggest the
startling notion that politicians don’t need to look good to do a good
job? And it really is acceptable if they are a bit boring, so long as
they do their homework. It’s especially important if evidently you
have not done yours. Poor old Al Gore. Poor old John Kerry. And by the
way, are you happy now you chose a Governor for California based on his
teeth?
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the
British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first in their
country. The six out of ten of you who don’t own a passport will need
to get one first.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
16.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776). Although this will raise your taxes,
remember that the Neoconservatives will no longer be robbing you blind
and so your Dollars will stop shrinking. Didn’t you know that
inflation and government bailouts of huge companies were really paid
for by you? We must do something about your educational system. What
on earth is going on over there? Are you oblivious to the crushing
debt you are leaving your children? You might as well throttle them
now.
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
season.
God Save the Queen. But at least God won’t instruct your President to invade any more wrong countries.
~ John Cleese